Baby boy...

Our baby's due date is in exactly 6 weeks. 

I remember when I learnt that it would be a boy. We asked the doctor to write it down on a paper so that we would know what it is later, when me and my man would be alone and ready to know. It was on the 22nd of October. When I read "masculin" (which in French means "it's a boy"), I felt like I was falling from a very high bridge. I can't say I was not happy, but something in me broke, and in one second I had to let go of the little girl that I was dreaming of having. And also I felt a slight feeling of panic, I thought: "But I don't know how to raise a boy!" Me, the girl who always wants to control everything and who is in constant fight with her imperfections, I felt scared.

I am a woman, I have a daugther, I have two sisters and in my family (at least on my mother's side) there is (or was now...) mainly women. For several years after I separated from my daughter's father, we were only women at the family reunions: me, my mother, my sisters, my daugther, my aunt. And even when I was little and my parents were still married, so my father was there, we were more following my mother's rules and ways to be.

Also, it had been such a tremendous joy for me to have a baby girl, I treasure the moments I spent with her so much, that I was dreaming of having another girl... For a few days, I cried when looking at little girls' toys or clothes in the magazines, but I didn't tell anybody that I was sad. I knew I had to go through this mourning phase before I could be happy. And then slowly, quietly, gently, my desire to have a little girl drifted away and the joy of having a boy took place in me.

Today I am deeply overjoyed and proud to be expecting a boy. When I think about it, it makes sense, it is a blessing for all of us. And I am aware of my luck to be soon the mother of a big girl and a baby boy. Everything has a meaning and everything happens for a reason... Everybody has a role to play in this life, on this earth... 

I can't wait to meet my baby...