Last night I sayed awake till about 2. I've got things on my mind, not bad things, just things that keep me awake, because I know my life is changing and I am excited about it.
This is what I've learned these past years: if you want something to happen, make it happen. Don't blame it on the others if you don't achieve your goal in life, because no one but you can go for it.
Today I had a good example of what a bitter heart can do. It is sad to watch, like mothers using their kids to hurt their ex-husbands. I personally don't get joy out of hurting the others, even those who hurt me. I remember when I was around 20, I was crazy in love with a guy who turned out to be a real bastard - excuse the expression. He really treated me like sh*t and I was too dumb or in love (or lonely) to leave him. Still one day I decided I had had enough and I told him I was through with him. He obviously didn't mind - he had already found another (stupid/lonely/insecured) girl. But then a few months later, as I was coming back home from work I saw him in front of my door, he was waiting for me and he begged me to take him back. He had finally understood that I was a nice girl and that maybe he would never find someone as good as me. By that time I didn't care about him, I had gone through a few days of missing him and then realized that I was much better without him and how silly I had been to be with someone like him. I told him it was too late and that I didn't want to see him again. I'll never forget how pitiful he looked. I couldn't believe I had spent nights crying over him. I deserved so much more!
Years later, I saw him on the metro, and he looked exactly the same. Sometimes I think about him and I know that life is tough for him, because no matter what, life is always tough on people who treat the others like sh*t, especially those who love them. I know that. I don't need to take a revange on those who hurt me, because life will take care of them.
For years and until I really became an adult, because of my lack of confidance, I fell in love with the wrong guys. And all of them, at one point, tried to get back with me. You know why? Because I was better than they were and they knew it. In the end, I know I will always be happier than they will ever be, and that's enough to keep me moving on.
Lesson learned: if someone breaks your heart, cry about it for awhile, and then move on, tell yourself that you deserve more and that you want to be happy, and make it happen. Sometimes, it's not even more complicated than that, believe me...
|Beautiful shades on my living room wall last night,|
I felt that it was a blessing to be up to see this.